Heaven’s Waiting Room
Steve Bass
It started with a crash. A screaming of rubber on pavement and then a thrumming of the same rubber, now on dirt. Sharp taps under the car as rocks were kicked up and dust flew. A terrible crunching and ripping of metal as car met rock, and a sharp “Huh!” as the two bodies reached for the dashboard but were held back by seatbelts. A brief silence as momentum started to carry the back of the car over the rock, popped by the explosion of the airbags. Crunch, then silence as the car tumbled over. Then a final quiet, freckled with clicking and dripping as the car settled for the last time, upside down.
Gabriel and Remy were the occupants of the car. Gabriel was a college student, though he wasn’t quite sure how he’d come this far. There had been high school, of course. College applications, sure. But his parents had crossed the border without some very important green documents, and the scarcity of green had been recurrent in their lives. But that was alright, because instead of money, Gabriel had brothers. Four of them, with a sister or two thrown in for good measure. So when he realized how completely screwed he was in the college finances department, he started writing scholarship essays. He wrote about some things that were true, like being late for class and not telling the teacher that he’d been soaking his brother’s sheets because of that brother’s bed wetting problem. He decided that the scholarship people would never meet his brother, so the secret was safe with them.
He wrote about some things that were not true, like learning sign language because one of his other brothers was deaf. He’d seen that one on one of his mother’s telenovelas. His high school counselor told him that colleges were looking to admit more minorities, so he checked the “Mexican” box every time, and wrote about it when there were blank lines instead of boxes. It took him months to find out how much money his parents made because they were so embarrassed, but when he finally did, the information helped him get several thousand dollars in tuition assistance.
So he was a college student because he had worked hard in high school and he was poor and he was Mexican, he guessed. His roommate was Remy, not that there was any guessing about that. Remy was a French exchange student who was best described as many different kinds of ‘on top.’ Remy was on top of every social interaction that occurred in the building, or so it seemed. Remy was on top of his classes. When Gabriel and Remy visited the cafeteria, Remy always floated a little bit on top of the crowd, though he did it without coming off as pretentious. Remy said that wished to be on top of the world’s knowledge, that is, to possess it all. He spent hours at the library, reading books chosen at random. And, the first night that Gabriel walked in on his roommate showing a beautiful coed how the French make love, Remy was on top. He was on top the second time Gabriel walked in, too. So by the third time Gabriel walked in on his roommate in the middle, or rather, on top of such a demonstration, he knew to calmly turn around and head to the floor common room. The girl would be gone in half an hour and he could use the time to study for his physics class. He didn’t want to fall behind, it being the first week of school and all.
So Remy was on top. But he was also a nice guy. Which was why Gabriel was driving him to spend the weekend at his parents’ house. Gabriel had warned Remy about the sibling situation, and Remy assured him it would not be a problem. Remy had drifted off to sleep as the sky darkened and the air cooled. Gabriel, too, began to drift off to sleep. The car joined them as it drifted off the road, and shortly afterward their souls drifted upward, leaving behind this world of green cards and coeds and physics classes and late nights at the library.
The next thing Gabriel heard was a softened New York twang. “Guys, wake up. C’mon guys, I got souls lined up off the cloud here and I ain’t got all day. Wake up!”
Gabriel felt a hand gently slapping his cheek and he reluctantly opened his eyes, surprised to find himself standing on the… ground? The creamy, puffy, vaporous ground? He looked beside him and saw Remy blinking his long lashes open, disoriented as Gabriel was. Next he focused on the man standing in front on him. The man was on the shorter side, wearing brown shoes, brown slacks, a white buttoned shirt with the sleeves rolled up, a name tag, and a bow tie. The name tag read, “Lenny.” The bow tie had rubber ducks on it.
Gabriel’s thoughts returned to his feet. He found them firmly planted on the definitely not firm ground. He’d think about that one later.
Remy spoke up, politely and calmly, the French charlatan. “Could you please tell us where we are?”
“These here are Pearly Gates,” and Lenny pointed behind him to a bank of turnstiles. They were just like the ones at train stations, movie theaters, and amusement parks. “Maybe you were expecting a pair of great big gates, with a bright light coming from behind them. Well, if you really wanted to see that, you would, certainly. But these are much more familiar to you. What you’ve been through is disorienting enough, what without seein’ the biggest, gleamin-est set of gates you ever imagined, looming straight over ya heads.” Lenny paused, looking them both square in the eyes. “You see, you guys just died.” Gabriel had begun to suspect as much, since the last thing he could remember was falling asleep somewhere he definitely should have been awake. Remy, of course, had no idea.
“What? I am dead? How did I – we were in the car, no? Gabriel, did somebody crash into us?” Gabriel thought about stretching the truth, but the short man answered for him.
“Nope, your buddy here fell asleep at the wheel.”
“You fell asleep? You sack-of-beans Mexican! I had a beautiful date on Tuesday night with a pair of the sexiest legs you have ever dreamed of!” Gabriel almost laughed, then he remembered that he was responsible for his promiscuous friend’s untimely demise. Woops.
Remy took a breath and was about to really set into Gabriel, but Lenny interrupted. “She was a transvestite. Nice try, though.” Remy deflated, looking like he’d just been punched in the stomach. The short man continued. “So now you’re dead. Deal with it. You’ve both been pretty good, so you get into heaven. Congratulations,” he said without fanfare. “Also, you’re almost angels. You’ll get the wings soon as you go through the gates.” And as Lenny spoke, he pointed to an old lady who was walking through a turnstile. Gabriel noticed that her old and wrinkled body moved without a hunch or a limp. When she crossed, clouds swirled around her feet, snaked up her legs and dove under the back of her shirt. Twin lumps bulged against her pink sweater, then burst through neat rips into a powerful pair of wings. The wings were as tall as she was, and the feathers looked very soft. The old lady craned her neck to examine them. She gently fingered a feather, then smoothed it back into place. Looking very determined, she turned her head to the sky, flexed her knees, spread her arms wide and flapped them, hopping a little. Her wings remained folded and bounced a little when she landed. She looked around quickly and put her arms down, embarrassed.
“Takes a second to figure out which muscles to flex. It’s new, but not hard. You’ll get it in a sec,” the short man commented. The lady closed her eyes. Slowly, hesitantly, the wings stretched. As they unfolded, the lady’s face was lit from within and she was suddenly beautiful; wrinkles, crow’s feet, saggy neck and all. Her wings unfolded and beat slowly, gracefully, making soft puffs in the clouds beneath her feet. They moved both with immense strength and no effort at all.
Gabriel breathed out, “Jesus, she’s beautiful.” Remy gave Gabriel a rueful glance. Realizing what he’d said, Gabriel quickly looked upward. Raising his voice a little, he said, “I’m sorry Jesus! I just… forgot, that’s all!”
The man chuckled. “It’s all right, common mistake. That there with the wings is gonna be you soon enough. But first you gotta take these here,” and he handed them each a thick, floppy booklet, “and read em. They’re instruction manuals. Everything you need to know about being an angel, all laid down in ten point font. Read it close, because this here is a whole new life, and you don’t get an infant’s grace period like ya did when you was born into your last one. You got any questions?”
Gabriel spoke up. “Who are you?”
The short man pointed to his name tag and proclaimed, “Lenny.”
“Yeah, I can read. I guess I should have asked, um…” He didn’t know. Remy, ever quick with a turn of phrase, stepped in. He asked, “I believe my friend means, Why are you?”
The man arched an eyebrow. “A smartass, eh? Well, I guess it’s a fair question. I’m an attendant. There’s a few of us assigned here. We help out the recently deceased, make sure you guys don’t get lost.”
Gabriel realized the man didn’t have wings. He added, “You’re not an angel?”
Lenny answered patiently, “Not yet. I was once a person, just like you. It’s a bit more complicated, but the short story is there’s sort of a lottery, and I got picked. They figure that I’ll remember better than the angels what it was like being a human. I’ll relate better. Plus, I’m a lot less scary to talk to than some ethereal, heavenly winged figure, you know? I just help folks like you figure things out here for a while, then when it’s time, I get my wings, and off I go.” He made a whooshing motion with his hand. “And yes, even I gotta read that manual before I cross the gates. Any more questions?”
Remy and Gabriel stood quietly, holding their manuals. The cover was simple, a pale blue background with the words “To Be an Angel” printed in plain, yellow font. “Sounds like a solid no to me. There’s a place over there to read these. And there’s an attendant in front of the gates, so don’t get any bright ideas about skippin through without doing your homework first. Take care, now.” And with a pleasant wink the short man turned and walked away from them.
In the man’s absence, Gabriel looked around. Initially, he had been so disoriented that he hadn’t given his surroundings more than a quick glance, but now he really soaked it all in. He was standing on a cream colored cloud, which should only be possible if he was lighter than the vaporized water molecules that made it up. Gabriel hopped, and landed with a solid thump. So, his soul was light enough to walk on a cloud. That was probably a good thing.
The cloud extended in a great expanse of vanilla ice cream-colored rolling mounds for a mile or so in three directions, bounded on one side by the turnstiles. There were about fifty feet of turnstiles, and, like Lenny had said, there was indeed an attendant. His stature, however, greatly exceeded the connotation of the word ‘attendant.’ He was at least seven feet tall and built like a triceratops. He wore flip flops, khaki work shorts, a Hawaiian shirt, and a straw sun hat. Like Lenny, he wore a name tag. His read: Kahuna. He stood with his massive arms crossed and glanced at every person that walked past him to the gates. Other than the quick, penetrating flicks of his eyes, he didn’t move.
There was a dense wall of the cream colored cloud material extending the length of the cloud on either side of the turnstiles. It was about twelve feet high.
Someone walked through one of the turnstiles about every two seconds or so. They all received their wings with varying degrees of confusion, fascination, mild embarrassment, and glee. There was a ledge of cloud-ground extending a hundred feet beyond the turnstiles, giving the new angels space to spread their wings. As soon as the angels became comfortable, though, they flew away. Some flew up, some flew down. Gabriel thought he could see regular, white clouds below the ledge and made a guess that was the Earthy world down there. The angels that flew up became translucent, and as Gabriel watched, the stars peeked through their fading wings. The stars brightened until all that was left of the angels was a faint outline, and eventually that too became part of the sky. He guessed they were in heaven, and supposed he’d find out soon enough.
He opened his manual. The title page read:
Congratulations on your successful translation to the afterlife! You stand on the cusp of eternity, ready to take leave from your mortality. There is much in store for you, and you are no doubt experiencing some variety of anticipation. Please remain patient for a few moments and consider the instructions outlined in the following pages.
The first chapter was titled, Leaving Your Message.
Remy, who had been reading as well, said, “We get to leave a message?”
Gabriel said, “Apparently so.” Gabriel started to read the section. It warned them against tacky messages, but also cautioned against trying too hard. These attempts, apparently, either failed and fell on deaf ears, or succeeded and terrified the targets. The last page of the chapter detailed exactly how to make their heavenly designs become Earthly reality. It was a fairly bureaucratic process, with forms to fill out and submit. Apparently the divine powers wanted to prevent the new angels from vandalizing Earth.
Remy finished the section, then stopped, lost in thought. All of a sudden his face lit up for a second, but then fell quickly. Gabriel asked, “What is it?”
Remy answered, “Well, I wanted to mess with my cousins one last time. They are such little flea bags, I wanted to scare the French out of them. But this process is… is…”
Gabriel finished for him. “It’s not worth it if all you want to do is a prank.”
Remy said, “Yes. Not worth it. It seems that heaven has found need of some frustratingly terrestrial inefficiencies to deter our penchant for low humor.”
Gabriel looked at him. “You know, sometimes I forget that you’re an English major. Then you go and say something like that.”
With a rueful smile, Remy replied, “I was an English student. A very promising one, too.”
Gabriel threw his arms up and started to walk away. “Jesus, I’m sorry already!”
Remy just smiled and pointed up. Gabriel stared at him blankly for a second, then realized his mistake. Remy said, “You’re really going to have to work on that.”
Gabriel said, “Aw, man. He’s gonna kick me out before I even get my wings.”
Remy replied, “Somehow I think you will be alright, my friend. In any case, I remembered I do have something legitimate that I need to take care of, though I’m afraid I’ll have to wade through all those forms to do it. The booklet says that everything is at the information booth. Let’s go.” And Remy and Gabriel began to make their way across the cloud plain, towards the booth.
It was like any information booth at a museum or train station: a round counter made of a dull metal. There was a lighted neon sign above it plainly proclaiming, Information. Gabriel and Remy stood in line behind the placard that said, Last Messages. There was only one person ahead of them, something Gabriel found remarkable. Maybe they’d died in a lull or something.
Gabriel turned to Remy and asked with just a touch of sarcasm, “So what business could you possibly have on Earth, Remy? One last kiss for Courtney or Leila, or maybe it’s a flower for Danielle?”
Remy sighed and replied, “No, my friend, none of that. If you must know, there is something that I promised I would do, even if it was the last thing I ever did on Earth. It seems that this is my last chance.”
Gabriel was not satisfied. “Well, what is it?”
Remy sighed again in a tight lipped way that made Gabriel feel very American. “I wasn’t going to tell you, but I think you actually may be able to assist me. You see - ” He was interrupted by the lady behind the counter. The person in front of them had been helped very quickly, it seemed.
“Next, please.” Her name tag read, Kalipso. That alone got Gabriel interested. And sure enough, as they approached the counter, he was taken aback. Her long black wavy hair framed a face that could only be described as lovely, punctuated by arching eyebrows and high cheek bones. Her eyes were dark, and they sparkled with a piercing intelligence that made Gabriel feel both childish and inspired. She folded her long hands, flashed her eyes, and asked, “What is it you seek, sirs?”
Remy and Gabriel traded a hesitant look, unsure of themselves. There was a moment of awkward silence, but it was broken by a warm, playful jingling that sounded like… Heaven. It took Gabriel a moment to realize that the sound was coming from Kalipso. She was laughing. The sound spilled out of her and splashed around them. He was sorry when she stopped.
She said, “I apologize, I know this something of a serious job, but I try to have fun now and then. I’m not some old gypsy trying to throw an enchantment on you guys, contrary to what my nametag might suggest.” Her eyes were still laughing, and Gabriel found himself a little bit in love with her.
He felt compelled to say something before Remy. He opened his mouth and realized he hadn’t prepared any words, so he just pointed at Remy and said, “Him. He has a, uh, request.”
Remy smiled and tried to step in with his usual charm. “Yes, thank you Gabriel.” He turned to Kalipso, and his charm got out-charmed. “My name is, uh… Remy.” Gabriel thought Remy was a little bit in love with her, too.
Kalipso smiled patiently. “Hi Remy. What message would you like to leave behind?”
Remy took a deep breath, gathered himself behind the strength of his last Earthly promise. It was enough to keep him coherent. “I have a little cousin. His name is Zephyr.” At this, Kalipso sucked in her breath between her teeth.
“Oh, I bet I know how he feels. Most kids aren’t mean about weird names, but some of them can make you really hate your parents for trying to be cute.” Gabriel couldn’t imagine anyone ever making fun of Kalipso, but Remy continued with his story.
“Yes, he knows how that is. And he’s not ugly or anything, he is just so… Hesitant. Insecure. Because of it, he can’t talk to a pretty girl without shaking. I always said I would get him a girlfriend if it was the last thing I did. I think somehow it would help him turn the other cheek to the constant mockery. I just can’t think of anything that will make him, you know, smooth.” Gabriel started chuckling. Remy took offense and said, “What, you think this is funny?”
Gabriel fought down his laugh, but grinned as he replied, “You see, I was kind of the same way -”
“Except you are definitely ugly, or something,” Remy interrupted, a little defensive of his cousin.
“Calm down, I’m trying to help you out here, man. Anyway, I had a hard time talking to girls until one day I was walking home from school, and I saw the hottest chick in my class with her finger stuck up her nose. That sucker was in there deep, man, up to the second knuckle. She didn’t think anyone was watching, of course, but I saw her pull one of the biggest, greenest snot wads from her nose that I’d ever seen. And after that, well, girls didn’t scare me anymore.” Gabriel smiled at the memory, but then turned to Kalipso and was instantly, mortally embarrassed.
Remy grinned. “That sounds like a good idea, although I know my cousin will have more success in that area than you have had, my lonely friend.” Remy’s ribbing brought Gabriel out of his shame long enough to fight back.
“Hey, back off man. You think I like coming home to a creaking, moaning room every night of the year? You could have shown a little decency, ‘mano.”
“I guess this is true, but seeing as you killed me and everything, I think you can pardon my… how shall we say… Exciting social life?” Gabriel shut his mouth. He guessed Remy would have that on him for the rest of their lives. Afterlives. Whatever.
Kalipso lifted an eyebrow at their exchange, then rolled her eyes and smiled. Gabriel went back to feeling childish and he could feel his tongue getting clumsy again. So maybe he was more than a little bit in love. She said, “I think we can make something like that happen. It won’t be soon, mind you. These things take a little time to set up, I’m afraid.”
Remy said, “That is fine. He is still young and he has much time left.” He added, with a sidelong glance, “I thought I did too, you know.”
Gabriel said, “Will you give it up already?”
Remy answered, “Never, my friend. And this never shall truly last forever.”
Gabriel muttered under his breath, “Oh, pretty words, Shakespeare.”
Kalipso laughed again. Every time she laughed it felt to Gabriel like getting a present. She said, “You know what? I like you guys. You’re sweet.” Gabriel didn’t care if he never got his angel wings, he could fly on those words alone. She was still talking, though. “You must have read at least the first chapter of the manual, so you know about that train wreck of an application process. You can probably guess it’s to keep people from doing stupid things, so it’d be a shame to see you stuck here filling out paperwork for a couple of days to get this to happen.” Kalipso’s eyes got mischievous, and the excitement was incredibly contagious. “I can do a little to speed up the process. We attendants get a little bit of leeway with the rules. You will still need to fill out this request form, though,” and from under the desk she pulled out a simple sheet of paper.
Remy filled out the header with his name and some other personal information. The remainder of the sheet was taken up by blank lines, which Remy filled with his loopy, ornamental scrawl. He made it almost to the bottom, then stopped, his pen wagging in thought. Finally he sighed in that French way of his and asked Gabriel, “Fine, I give up. How do you spell ‘booger’?”
Gabriel chuckled, “Are you, the smooth English major, asking me, the dumb Mexican, how to spell something?” Remy just arched an eyebrow. Gabriel relented, “Alright, but have I ever told you that you look like my mother when you do that eyebrow thing?” Gabriel spelled it out and snuck a look at Kalipso. She was grinning and her eyes were laughing again. Maybe he could get a job here, at the booth, and heaven could wait for a while. But then Remy was handing the form over to her.
She took it and said, “Ok, that will be all. I’ll make sure this gets through as soon as possible. I have a couple of favors owed to me.”
Remy asked, “Will I be able to know if it’s worked or not? I mean, I don’t doubt that it will happen, but I’d like to see him… Happy.”
Kalipso smiled warmly. “Of course you’ll be able to see him. I take it you haven’t read the rest of the manual. Once you get your wings, you’ll be able to fly back to Earth whenever you want. You won’t be able to interact with anyone, but by then you won’t want to. It’s against the rules, anyway.”
Gabriel added, trying to sound smart, “Which, I’m guessing, are listed in the manual?”
She turned her smile on him and he felt like Einstein. “Yes, I think they’re in the last chapter. You guys should really get moving on that.”
Reluctantly, Remy agreed. “You’re right. Thank you, Kalipso. You’ve been… Thank you,” he finished lamely. Although that was more than Gabriel could say. He didn’t even open his mouth, he just waved meekly. She waved back. Remy and Gabriel turned and walked away without knowing exactly where they were going.
Gabriel’s thoughts were filled with the brightness of her smile. It was only after a minute or so of walking was there room for anything else. After about three minutes he’d regained enough cognition to think in a straight line again. He turned to Remy to see his French roommate staring at him, a smug grin on his face. Gabriel said, “Oh stop it, you weren’t any better.”
Remy said, “No, I wasn’t. However, I am now. You, my friend, have fallen so far in love with that enchanting woman that you can’t even see daylight.”
Gabriel said, “That’s ridiculous. We’re in heaven. I’m pretty sure you can’t fall in love in heaven.”
Remy rolled his eyes and said, “Well, you’re in something, and it certainly looks like love.”
Gabriel felt like he was seven again. He said tried to speak powerfully: “Am not.” Remy looked at his face, then chuckled. Gabriel demanded, “What?”
Remy answered, “You’re blushing. I didn’t think Mexicans could blush, that’s all.” All Gabriel could do in response was turn a little bit darker.
When they’d turned from the booth they’d started walking toward the wall. They had walked at an oblique angle, so when they finally were next to it Gabriel could not make out the faces of the other soon-to-be-angels. Remy reached up a hand and brushed the wall. Gabriel pushed his palm into it an inch or so. It felt like a very firm memory foam mattress. He tried to push through it, but after a few inches the wall wouldn’t squish anymore.
“They make this stuff strong. I thought everything here would be soft and fluffy,” Gabriel commented.
“It is probably to keep people from crossing over and getting their angel wings without reading this blasted manual,” Remy added as he pulled the booklet out of his back pocket. He fanned through the pages again, stopping where he’d left off. The unread remainder was daunting.
Gabriel leaned against the wall and slid down into a surprisingly comfortable sitting position. “Well, might as well start. I mean, what else can we do? Jump the fence?”
Remy sat on Gabriel’s left and chuckled, “You would suggest something like that. I believe your fence hopping, immigrant parents would be proud of you for following in their footsteps.”
Gabriel tried to find a way to be offended, but he just ended up smiling too. He opened the manual and started the second chapter: Enjoying Eternity. Now that he’d gotten over the kick of being in heaven, holding the instruction manual (there actually being an instruction manual), it was kind of a drag.
The second section dealt with a very normal, very Earthly consideration. Gabriel wasn’t surprised to read that they wouldn’t experience hunger, though the reasoning was not what he expected. If angels got hungry, they would naturally want food. And something could be provided, of course, and enjoyed thoroughly. But food was something that most people had the privilege of enjoying on Earth (here an asterisk annotated the text. The footnote explained that special, temporary accommodations would be made for those who had not been able to enjoy food). Angels were able to cherish the sensation of eating without actually consuming the food. Gabriel supposed this made sense, but he thought he was going to miss his mom’s lasagna. He glanced at Remy and found his friend flipping haphazardly through the manual, reading clips of sections then moving on.
“Remy, aren’t you going to read this? Lenny said it was important.”
“I suspect that he and this manual, like the paperwork that the beautiful Kalipso helped me circumnavigate, are extraneous.”
Gabriel raised an eyebrow. “Just because your vocabulary is better than mine, Frenchy, doesn’t mean you have to remind me of it all the time.”
Remy answered, “I guess you’re right. I’ll settle for perpetually reminding you that my death was your responsibility, friend.” To that, Gabriel had no reply. Remy laughed to himself. “Forgive me. It certainly was your fault –”
Gabriel looked up and interrupted, a look of complete regret hanging on his face. “And I’m never going to forgive myself, Remy.”
“You didn’t let me finish. It was your fault, but you apparently saved me from an embarrassing encounter with a very deceiving gentleman, and since then I have had the pleasure of talking with the most enchanting woman I have ever seen. Not a bad tradeoff, I believe. Now I stand literally at the walls of heaven. Once you and I have our wings, we’ll be able to learn anything, Gabriel. And, to top it all off, I have realized there is a way around this unnecessary manual.”
Gabriel lost the long face, but his guard was up. “What do you mean, ‘a way around’? We’re supposed to read this so we know how to be angels.”
Remy put a very convincing hand on Gabriel’s left shoulder. “Being an angel is about enjoying the afterlife. Everything else we’ll pick up from watching the other angels, or say we’ve forgotten. You and I are not bad people, we wouldn’t be here otherwise. So we’re not going to do anything that would cause anyone harm. Which means that this,” he paused and held out the manual for a moment, then let it drop, stirring up a wisp of cloud, “is unnecessary.”
“Well, I guess if you think so, then alright, but I’m letting you walk by that Kahuna guy first. He didn’t have his wings yet, but I get the impression he can lay down some heavenly wrath.”
“That’s the beauty, Gabriel. We don’t have to walk by him.” Gabriel raised his eyebrow again. “You suggested the solution yourself.”
“What do you mean?” Gabriel asked, although he had an idea anyway.
“We’d jump this fence. You’re, ah, shall we say, thicker than I am. So you’ll boost me up. Then I’ll lend you a hand, and if you can jump a little –”
Gabriel interrupted, “And we’ll hop the fence to heaven like a bunch of wetbacks looking to pick tomatoes in the promised land. Poetic, Remy, really. But do you think heaven would have made it so easy? Lenny said those turnstiles were the Great Pearly Gates. What if we actually have to walk through them to get our wings?”
Remy had an answer ready. “I think that all you have to do is cross the line that the gates sit upon. Why else would they build a fence?” Gabriel opened his mouth to argue the point, but found that he couldn’t. Remy was still talking. “The only reason I can think of is to keep people from inadvertently crossing the line. They didn’t take more serious precautions because the assumption is that everyone here is good and patient. You and I are good. Patient, well…” Gabriel tested the weight of the manual. It was heavy.
“Ok, Remy. But what if we get caught? I mean, the big guy will know, won’t he?”
“My guess is that we are not the first people to test this… I can’t think of the word. A gap in the rules…”
Gabriel broke from the gravity of the moment long enough to relish the opportunity to help out the English major. “Loophole.”
“Yes, that’s it. And wipe that smirk off your face,” Remy said, although he was smiling too. He cleared his throat after a moment, though, and was back to business. “Others must have exploited this loophole, too. You know those silly TV specials that get put on daytime television? The ones about a smiling Mary burnt into a piece of toast, or a birthmark that looks like Jesus? I’ll accept that some are coincidence, but a few must be angels playing pranks on the Earthbound.”
Gabriel had his doubts. “I don’t know, man. This is Heaven we’re talking about. El Gran Jefe.”
Remy sighed. “You owe me this, my friend. You’re the reason I’m here.” Gabriel dropped his eyes. Remy spoke quietly. “If we don’t get our wings straight away, the worst that will happen is they will tell us to go back and read the manual. And we’ll be even.”
Gabriel thought that was a very low card to play. “Man, you seriously don’t want to read that manual, do you? What’s the deal?”
Remy sensed that he’d hurt his friend. “Listen, Gabriel. I’m sorry. But I really don’t think we have to read this garbage, and even though I know we have an eternity, I also have an idea that we have a lot of learning to do, and I’d hate to waste time reading about why I won’t be hungry. We have not just our existence to explore, but the existence of everything that has ever lived. Once we get our wings, we’ll have the opportunity to learn everything. I don’t want to waste my time with the trivial information in this manual.”
Gabriel thought about it. At this point, the only thing stopping him was the fact that he knew that he should read the manual. Ignoring that sense of right seemed rather unheavenly to him. But it didn’t seem like something that would eternally damn him either.
He sighed. “Why the hell not?”
Remy’s face lit up as he snorted at Gabriel’s word choice. “Now you are thinking like a Frenchman. Speaking like one too, a little. Now come on, boost me up.”
Gabriel stood and made a basket out of his hands. He flexed his knees as Remy stepped up, expecting strain in his shoulders and forearms. He was surprised as Remy straightened his knee and climbed up to the wall, exerting almost no force on Gabriel.
Straddling the fence, Remy said, “Either you are stronger than I expected, or my heavenly soul is rather light.”
Gabriel answered, “Well, we are walking on clouds. Now hurry up and give me a hand up before someone sees us.” The Frenchman leaned down and stretched his hand out to the Mexican and effortlessly pulled him up. They swung their legs over to the other side and exchanged a look, took a breath.
Remy said, “Ok, on three.”
Gabriel shook his head. “Forget that. Ready?” Remy nodded. “Let’s go.” And together they jumped the fence to heaven.
Gabriel braced his knees for an impact with the cloudy materiel on the other side of the fence. The thump never happened. Instead of landing with a cloudy whoosh and sprouting wings, Gabriel and Remy fell straight through. As they passed through the cream colored ground, Gabriel felt his stomach fly up into his throat. He looked up in horror at the quickly shrinking underside of the waiting room. There was a howling in his ears, and he thought it was Remy screaming. But when he looked around him, it was too dark to make out his friend. Then, Gabriel realized the screaming was coming from his mouth, though he didn’t see how his throat could make any noise, what with his stomach jammed up against the bottom of it. He screamed until he had no air left in his lungs. Dots started to jump in the corners of his vision as he continued trying to push air out of his lungs. Then, he fell through a cloud. Not a vanilla-soft heaven cloud, but a real, white, wet, cold cloud. The cold was what reached him first and forced him to gasp. It also pushed him into coherent thought.
The first thing he thought of was a string of words that his mom would slap him for even knowing. The second was that he and Remy were not remotely close to even. Gabriel had killed them and they’d gone to Heaven. Remy had now killed them and they were about to go to Hell. Gabriel was sure of it. He’d fall through the rapidly approaching Earth the same way he’d fallen through the cloud and he wouldn’t stop until he was somewhere very hot and very uncomfortable. He started to scream out all the air he’d sucked in.
It was, however, a very long way down from heaven. He ran out of air again and this time had the sense to breathe in on his own. He looked around again, and realized why it was dark. It was night. He could make out a few dots of light on the hillside. Farm houses. Running through the middle of them was a straight string of lights, and Gabriel quickly recognized a highway. The trees looked like little furry toothpicks. But he was running out of sky to fall through, and he was headed straight for the road. There was a pair of headlights pushing their way through the night, towards the point where Gabriel predicted his non impact with the earth. But they wouldn’t collide, because now Gabriel could see he would pass through the ground just off the shoulder of the road. He was moving so fast he wasn’t sure if he’d have time to see the people inside the car. Now he was close enough to make out individual branches on the trees.
Then, the car started to drift. First it went to the middle of the road, but as Gabriel hurtled close enough to realize it was the same kind of car that he had driven, it drifted to the right, just off the shoulder. Gabriel found more air to scream and his last hope was that he didn’t kill the people in the car, too.
Gabriel’s scream was interrupted by a very solid jolt that knocked the wind out of him. He was sitting in his car, hands on the steering wheel, very awake. And the car was headed for the dirt shoulder. He swerved back to the road.
He heard a gasp from the passenger seat. He looked over and saw a very wide-eyed Remy, one white hand gripping his knee and the other clutching at the door handle. Remy turned to look at Gabriel. He breathed, “What…?”
Gabriel braked hard and pulled the car over. Gravel chipped angrily on the undercarriage until they rocked to a halt. Gabriel said, “We died.”
Remy nodded. He added, “You killed us. In this car.”
Gabriel swallowed. “So you remember everything that happened. Lenny, the turnstiles, Kalipso…”
Remy nodded again. “The manual.” The car was silent.
Gabriel inhaled deeply, and slowly let it out.
A sharp alert tone broke the quiet from the center console. Remy’s pants’ leg hummed. It was their cell phones receiving simultaneous text messages.
Gabriel picked his phone up as Remy fished his out of his pocket. The text message was from the number 432836. It read: “Try again, just not anytime soon, ok? And next time, read the stinking manual. We’re dead, not stupid – Lenny.”
